Every year I look forward to the treat that is ESC Apocalypse‘s run down of why none of that year’s chosen bunch stand a chance of victory, over at OnEurope. As I was giggling through this year’s edition I thought to myself, actually I wouldn’t mind if most of these ended up taking the win.

So very much inspired by Roy’s brilliant piece, here’s why I think all of our plucky 37 deserve the crown.

Going in order of the bookies preference from top to bottom, I think Sweden should win because 2024 will 50 years since a certain Swedish band won in Brighton. SVT should throw every penny they’ve got to secure Abba. And if that fails, they’ve got the Abba-tars. Just wait till the UK next hosts and we can use the Brotherdroids of Man.

However, I actually think Finland should win because Käärijä is a force of nature and they’ve already got the slogan. Helsinki 2024: it’s crazy, it’s party.

The again, perhaps it could be time for France to do the double. Their recent renaissance at the Contest is going to produce a win sooner or later. And why not, next year? When they are due to host the Olympics a few months later. I’m sure that would be fine.

Or Ukraine could go ahead and do back-to-back wins for the first time in decades. A new genre winning the Contest would and a further two fingers up to those further east. Job done.

Blanca Paloma taking the win for Spain would seriously mess up ESC250. Do the Spanish go all out for their Eurovision winner or their ESC250 winner? The vote ends up splitting and then Loreen ends up back at the top for another decade.

Given how wee Alexandra almost exploded when she won Norway‘s Melodi Grand Prix, imagine her reaction if she wins Eurovision? She’ll end up wiping out half the green room. I wanna see that!

Speaking of the Spanish Eurovision fans just think how pissed off they would be if a cut-price Chanel imitation ended up winning the thing for Israel. All that bluster pierced the Unicorn’s horn…

Just imagine if that song we all ragged on when it leaked did the full redemption arc and ended up winning it for Austria? And it would piss off Spotify in the process, so win-win!

I wouldn’t mind a win in Italy because by the time we’d all return to Turin in 2024 the kinetic sun will have had the time to finally complete one full rotation.

Imagine if the United Kingdom went one better and took the win! Maybe this time Glasgow City Council learns how to look a bit more enthusiastic and actually tries this time.

I think we’d all like to visit Czechia after a win for Vesna in 2023. In Prague, the average price of a pint is less than two quid. LESS THAN TWO QUID. Sweet Jesus, I wouldn’t come back.

I wouldn’t mind an Armenian win for basically the same reason as Czechia, but just replace beer with wine.

With the Scottish interest coming second in terms of hosting, perhaps it’s apt that Switzerland win like the last time Scotland came second at Eurovision. And wouldn’t it be nice to have Celine back at the Contest? Ach, who am I kidding… it would be bloody Goujon’s Tears wouldn’t it?

Everything Voyager say and everything Voyager do is reason enough for Australia to claim their first win.

Imagine what the winner’s reprise would look like if Let 3 won for Croatia. Just imagine what that performance would look like in the revelry of a Eurovision win. It would certainly continue the streak of striking group acts winning in the 2020s.

And to be fair that last point applies to Germany as well. Lord of the Lost should absolutely win on covers alone. Just think, they win the thing and as the songs are chosen in 2024 we get more flawless LotL cover versions. Yes please!

Of course Serbia should win, think of the message it’s sending to the other competitors. I mean hello? GAME OVER.

The 2021 Eurovision Song Contest is one of the very greatest Contests of all time. Everything about it was absolutely iconic and given it was all still a little Covid flavoured at the time let’s give The Netherlands a proper go.

Think of the interval act if Moldova win…Pasha, The Sunstroke Projet, DoReDos, Natalia Gordienko and Zdob și Zdub. I don’t think any other country could assemble such a collection of iconic non-winning artists.

Do you know what, maybe it’s time for Ireland to win the Contest. Just think how pissed off SVT will be when they think they’re about to make it 7-7 and then Ireland go and make it 8-6. That would be wild.

Slovenia are absolutely winning Eurovision. You think that Bojan has been going round flirting with every delegation purely because he’s irresistibly charming? Absolutely not, this is all to win favour and get those votes.

After all this though I have to say I wouldn’t mind a Georgian victory. If only because if they actually win it I might have half a chance of remembering their song.

After a Eurovision spent in the grey and miserable British springtime a week in Cyprus in mid-May sounds a hell of a lot more appealing. Plus, you just know Eleni Foureira would be all over it.

Eurovision 2023 being won by Poland? Only one thing to say to that…HELL YEAH BEJBA!

In a world full of AI generated music and ChatGPT (I swear we’ve had a ChatGPT script at some point from the sound of the hosts) Estonia are getting ahead of the game with a self-playing piano. For such innovation they deserve to win the Contest.

Lisbon 2018 were two of the happiest weeks of my life. The chance to return and do it all again would just be magical. That’s why Portugal should win Eurovision.

I’m definitely all for Lithuania winning the Contest. If you think Monika’s backing vocalists have had enough of Čiūto tūto just now? Imagine if they win! They’ll be Čiūto tūto’ing all summer long.

Let’s be honest though here guys, Gustaph should be winning the Contest in 2023. Milliners for Gustaph tributes would single-handedly kick start the economy in Belgium.

If effort was properly rewarded then Iceland should be absolutely winning this thing. I don’t think there’s an artist in this bunch that has quite the same level of infectious energy as wee Diljá.

I would not mind Denmark winning but there is one condition. Reiley shares his anti-aging routine with us all. He’s older than Nadav Guedj is now, and the golden boy did Eurovision eight years ago! That’s some moisturiser Reiley must have

For Greece winning Eurovision see Cyprus.

For Malta winning Eurovision see Greece.

Having said all this, I think we can all agree that actually Azerbaijan are the rightful winners of the Eurovision Song Contest. Given how mad the world is becoming why wouldn’t an entire Continent suddenly fall in love with chill 90s Britpop?

San Marino will be winning Eurovision so we can all head round to Valentina’s pad and she can look after us in 2024. I do want to go to her house so suffice to say, I will be clicking her with my mouse.

Well but of course Albania should win the Contest because, as Vin Diesel would say, FAMILY. Can you tell I’m running out of energy now?

Hang on, how on earth are Latvia second from bottom with the bookies? Well they absolutely deserve the victory based on righting this wrong alone.

Bloody hell, this felt like a good idea with the first bunch but I’ve really made a rod for my own back here. Theodor’s a nice lad and you think with a victory he could get a deal together with a Romanian clothing supplier to keep him in all the novelty socks he needs.

And that’s it. I think we can all agree, everyone’s winning the 2023 Eurovision Song Contest. All countries tied on points and sharing it out is the only way forward!

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