San Marino don’t half know how to get us Eurofans going, eh? Fresh from lighting up the Ariston theatre, Achille Lauro will now compete for the chance to represent San Marino at Eurovision. This announcement came the day after Norway finalised the line-up for its second chance round to make the final of MGP. This got me thinking, what would happen if we do this for all national finals put together? We become so attached to all these artists & songs over this time, why not offer one of these one last chance to make it to the big stage?

I think going for Liechtenstein is probably the best choice. They’ve no history at Eurovision, it’s a clean slate we can use to create the nation of the Eurofan. Although I previously suggested a crowdfunder, given the costs associated we will likely need a mysterious benefactor. There’s surely at least one millionaire out there who knows what both Eesti Laul & Sanremo are? If there is, can chuck us the dough to get this off the ground?

Shut Up And Take My Money! | Know Your Meme

What of the format? The rules would state each delegation that had a public selection process sends two non-winners to take part. This would have to be the second and third placings, that way delegations can’t choose to send their weakest choice and nobble the opposition. Using the example of 2022 this would result in 56 entries duking it out for this final Contest slot. Too many for a one shot, one night national final. You’re going to need…an audition round!

A Few Moments Later Spongebob, two hours later, one eternity later - YouTube

This would take place the Sunday after Melodifestivalen, always on the last weekend before the submission deadline. That way every nation would have a selection of artists to enter in time for the HoD meeting. The Moldovan (and in happier times the Belarussian) audition livestreams have been the stuff of legend. Who wouldn’t want to see all their favourites shuffle onto a barely lit studio stage, stripped of all production values before getting interviewed in a corridor?

Oh, the glamour!

Naturally, this would take place in the late morning / early afternoon giving the delegation of fans the chance to narrow it down. They would pick one act from each nation for a mini one-night Sanremo. From the basic nature of the audition round they move to a traditional theatre surrounded by glitz & glamour. Naturally, Amadeus helms the event but periodically rotated guest hosts will join him on stage to introduce an entry or do a turn. We could see…

  • Klemen Slakonja run through a nation’s history at Eurovision as he did in 2020
  • Loredana Betre & Alaska join forces for unforgettable duet
  • Myf & Joel are interviewing artists backstage
  • Barbara Schöneberger joins us for a live link from the iconic Reeperbahn where we’re all having a real fun time
  • A judging panel consisting of only Jamala asking the artists about their financial matters, their parents doing it and any other uncomfortable questions
  • A couple of esoteric sketches from Eesti Laul to confuse and delight in equal measure
  • A medley of Melfest hits but rather than a chorus a go, it’s just one line per act.
  • Erika Vikman can do whatever she likes. See also, Filomena Cautela.
  • And, of course, a guest appearance from everyone’s favourite…

After this eight and a half hour-long spectacular, a winner will be decided. The voting will be decided by a simple, yet elegant, mix of televote, regular jury, the Benidorm Fest jury, a demoscopic jury, a telescopic jury, the German fan jury thing they do, an orchestra jury, Judge Judy, Judge Jools, Judge Dredd, an online vote, an offline vote, an off-license vote, a whisky drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, a cider drink and Christer Bjorkman. A simple combination of these will determine who will represent Eurof…Liechtenstein at the next Eurovision Song Contest.

Vaduz 2024 here we come!

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