This year’s Eurovision Song Contest will go ahead with a reduced audience of 3,500 per show. The lucky few thousand Dutch nationals will get to enjoy what I’m sure will be an amazing show live from the Ahoy Arena in Rotterdam. But what of those of us staying at home? What can we do to create that Eurovision experience from the comfort of our own living rooms? Well here’s a few tips to capture that Contest vibe wherever you are across the Continent and beyond.

Take the week off work.

We may actually be a little bit late for this first point but it is nonetheless it’s an obvious one to make. How employers can seriously expect Eurofans to continue on with their day jobs over Contest week is frankly ludicrous. We should all be furloughed for the entirety of the week just to make sure we can give it the full attention it deserves. If you find yourself in the position were you have to return to your employers tomorrow then now might be a good time to develop a dry cough and sudden loss of taste.

*cough* I really like the Spanish entry this year. *cough*. That should do the trick.

Security, over-officious and handsy.

With the exception of poor SuRie’s performance in 2018 Eurovision security these days is a pretty tight operation. Try and get anywhere near any building connected with the Contest and you’ll be frisked to within an inch of your life. Anything even slightly suspi…edible is confiscated immediately. Local security guards don’t go hungry!

To replicate this you may well need a friend, flatmate or family member. Position them at your front door looking as menacing and as pissed off with life as possible. The moment you try to enter they poke and prod all your nooks and crannies, removing anything that could even loosely be described as food. Remember you could be carrying a bomb local cake.

Try to get that big arena feel.

So you may not live in an arena with a capacity of 15,000 (or you might, I don’t pre-judge) but there’s little things you can do to get the same feel at home.

Fancy a cool refreshing beer to enjoy the show with? Sure you do. Well why not stand next to your fridge for 45 minutes, missing the first three songs. This will really relax put you on edge just before you watch your favourite TV show. To really capture the moment make sure your fridge doesn’t actually have the beer you want and you have to end up settling for whatever’s there.

If you didn’t happen to quite make it to the front of the queue for the live shows you might not get the perfect view. In fact, if the tech stand in the middle of the arena happens to get in your way you may well need an Elina Nechayeva/Kate Miller-Heidke level of elevation to get any sort of eyeline. If you wanted to create this effect in the living room simply tape a massive piece of carboard to your TV screen, ensuring you cover approximately 2/3rds of the surface area.

Perfect view of (half) the stage.

Flags.

Loads of them. Everywhere. All the time.

Sleep, why bother with something so trivial?

In the Eurovision fortnight there are many things that take priority: the Contest, rehearsals, drinking local tasty alcoholic beverages, singers, dancers, drinking, friends, live shows, drinking, eating, drinking and drinking, After all these you may well have just about enough time for a precious few hours shut eye. If you really want to simulate such a pattern then nodding off at about 4:30am before rising approximately three hours later should just about do the job.

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