Yesterday my good friend, tea-towel impresario and fellow Eurovision writer, Ellie Chalkley, laid down the gauntlet on Twitter. Never one to shirk a challenge, let’s chat top 5…


The 2010s was a funny old time for Germany at Eurovision. They sent songs that heavily reflected the chart of the time (2018 & 2020), radio friendly entries that failed to make an impact (2015 & 2017) and the odd total no hoper (2014 & 2019). It’s been a while since the last time they took a risk with something different. In fact, you’ve got skip back a decade to the likes of ‘Wadde hadde dudde da’, ‘No No Never’ & Miss Kiss Kiss Bang for the last time they took a leap of faith with an entry out of the ordinary. However, for their hottest of messes you cannot single out an individual song. It is in fact a little bit of…coitus interruptus.


In all fairness to Germany they did at least register a top four placing in the last ten years. Yes, it was a blatant Ed Sheeran rip off but one cannot argue with the numbers. France have, in the same period, had one top ten and a few mid table placings with a number of modern sounding tracks. Again, one has to look further back to find a number of choices from the French. It’s tempting to opt for Sebastian Tellier or Les Fatals Picards but both had the knowing nod and wink of redemption to them. However, one act tops them all. Whether it was seemingly boundless energy both on or off stage, nonsensical chat about their ‘favourite’ takeaway or the sensory overload they called a stage show, Twin Twin take the crown.


2017. It can only be 2017. I’m not even talking about that note in the final. The Spanish national selections have proven to be somewhat tumultuous affairs in recent years, but this one has to be the worst. A tearful Mirela, the allegedly problematic judging panel, the booing in the studio, Manel giving the fist to the audience…IT HAD IT ALL. So much so, you can’t actually find that moment on YouTube anymore. Twitter, however, is a different story…


It’s Electro Velvet. Who else could it be?


OK, so this one doesn’t really work. Italy are a bit like Portugal or Lithuania, they don’t choose a song for the Contest but for themselves. Italian artists are trying to win Sanremo, the Eurovision Song Contest really is a secondary goal. With Sanremo being such a high quality competition it’s almost impossible for Italy to eff it up. Sure maybe Emma’s performance was a bit wild or the impact of Francesco’s gorilla got a bit lost but none are really hot messes. So I’m bending the rules for this one too. I’m just choosing the entirety of the 1991 Eurovision Song Contest. You cannot ask for hotter and messier than that.


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